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New pearls of wisdom from Satch:

2/4/2009

• If it was raining boobs, I'd get hit with a dick. JW
• Richie, welcome to wisky dick.
• Why are his balls so Big? PM
• You had me ad Corn. JW
• Who do I have to fuck to sleep alone.
• That's not puke - give me a hug. RS
• What happens in Southern Pines stays in Southern Pines... unless we post it on the internet. KE/CW
• Ken's got better wood than Dave. RS

11/1/2008

• Without good wood, you cannot have a good fire? AH
• I wish I had a cold. JD

9/1/2008

• It used to be a Florida Avocado.....In the front or in the back? LH
• Sex talk at 10:06PM. MN
• When you're a groin muscle, there's no night off. RS
• I'm just half a plumb off Bob. LH

4/18/2008

• I got shit for being me & I wasn't even being me. RS
• I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in. MN
• I'm gonna break you of this shit, Satch!  AH
• I want to hang out with people who love to flash. RS
• And when did you pube? RS

2/23/2008

• You know you are done wiping when the paper comes up red. AH
• I don't need to impress her.... Oh yes you do. RS / LH
• This ain't the garden club... It's racing. LH

10/20/2007

• I can't see out of my bad eye. AH
• I am the vegetable of the day. RS

08/10/2007

• Come on my tits..., You don't have to wake me!
• When in doubt, keep licking.

02/08/2007

• Was there a turd charge on your bill. WJ
• The honor of my nuts. AH
• Write a book of Poo. AH
• This is what happens when a three-toed tree sloth becomes active. LH

02/01/2007

• Have Jell-O, will travel. MN
• If you're going to go to Hell, you might as well go First Class. MN

01/06/2007

• If I had a good time, I left right now. AH
• If I wash my hands, can I make you a drink? LH
• Vanilla sky makes me wet. JD
• I don't want to be that guy... you are that guy. RS & MT
• I was just resting my eyes. RS
• You can cum on my stomach but not in my mouth. JD
• I am sorry that no one made it to midnight. New Years Day, Hung-over RS

08/12/2006 

• It's not broken... It just don't rock right. AH
• Shoulda had a sitter... Instead we had a shitter. LH

01/20/2006 

• You know your shit's bad when even the Mexicans don't buy it.
• His son is his cousin.....think about it.

10/29/2005 

• Co'mon GiggleFucker. RS
• If he say's "I'm getting tingley in my special place" I'm gonna blow. JW

09/06/2005 

• She has very small underwear on or her thong is on backwards. SG
• That's not a volcano, that was just my ass. AH
• It pays to have no money. SG

06/20/2005 

• Save a Satch, Build a fence. AH

05/01/2005 

• Drunk people do fucked up things. SG

• Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, it makes them soggy and hard to bite. Above urinal in New Orleans.

12/17/2004 

• Whittle while you can; because you can't lose what you've already paid back. WM

• Lets drink the Beaujolais before we get fucked up. RS

• Every chink place I know has it coming out their ass. DE

• Trust me, you don't want Senora Buzzkill on your ass. JW

04/02/2004 

• Don't say yes until you see the Bling Bling. MC

• How do you tell a mime to shut the fuck up? JW

• Open up a bottle of the 2003 shut the fuck up! JW

• All I need is a queen in the hole. CW

• I feel like I'm hurtling through time and space. LH

• We won't be happy until these singles are covered in short & curlies. LH

• I get to be the flower girls designated driver. CW

• And now we have an uncomfortable silence.

03/15/2004 

• A Sensai chef never sheds his identity. JC

• Why do you call Hack 7-11? ... cause his ass never closes. JC

• Hack's got a sensitive side... it's his ass. LH

03/06/2004 

• Hack, you're too drunk to play smart. RS

• I wonder how the gals wash their balls? AH

• Do lesbians eat hot dogs? RS

• Tell him to get his hand out of his pants. AH

• There's a lot of monkeys on this ho. AH

• Does your pussy hurt?...no it smells. RS

01/02/2004 

• JW’s got no length, no girth, just abs! RS

• You know you’re drunk when you’re making your own drinks too strong.

• Hack, if you left right now, we'd have a good time! RN

10/31/2003 

• Open the ass and let it breathe. AH

• I never shot that high before. CB

• I haven't found a good time I haven't had. AH

10/05/2003 

• If I fell right now I had a good time. AH

• I wasn't naked, I was wearing a chair. MC

09/27/2003 - Satches in Key West

• Air sickness bags aren't just for vomit. RS

• Mmmnnummuunnnnya! BC

• I'm calm on the outside, but screaming on the inside. BC

• The liver is evil, it must be punished. Anonymous

• Waddaya Stupid?! RS/BC

09/08/2003 - Another Satch trip to Southern Pines

• Are you coming in the back door? MC

• Ma'am step away from the Caddie! LH

• At least I got good wood AH

• You gotta love good wood! JT

08/15/2003 - Satch's trip to Southern Pines

• Yeah, you can come on her from here. LH

• We got 3 ways to fuck her. RS

• Hidee hidee hidee ho! AH

• Shall I get some whipped cream? CW

• My fun meter is at an all time high! AH

12/19/2002 - Satch ski trip to Whistler-Blackcomb

• Is there an ATM on this plane?  JW

• Does your cookie hurt?  BC
• You know you're having fun when the pot is worth more than the plane ticket.  JW
• We have no more Crown. flight attendant
• Nothin' beats munchin'. JW
• We should have vacationed at Betty Ford.  DE
• That is one tough Santa. - JW
• I'd rather freeze than listen to Dave.  JW
• I can be funny when I'm sober. JW....You got lucky.  RS
• Why didn't we just get a pig and cut off what we needed?  DE
• Kris Kringle just shit on my cheerios.  JW
• If you're a phat phuck and you're dealing, clap your hands.  DE
• I got mascots out my ass.  DE
• Come big or don't come at all.  DE
• Being a moron is expensive.  DE
• I'm gonna fall down.-DE....Don't get up.  RN
• You're a pain in the ass....but a good dude.  DE
• Rob knows more about wood than you'll ever know.  RS
• Don't fuck with my fucking thing.  BC
• My balls are tightening up-Hee Hee.  RN
• You were fired by your wife and she hired a new manager.  DE
• We're playing a game called mini me.  RN
• You're on a one way ticket to Moesville.  JW
• They're going for a walk......wink, wink.  RS
• Canadians are just cold Mexicans.  DE
• I know I was bad, I fell asleep in public.  BC
• That leave it to beaver dude, fucked me.  BC
• I like him better when he talks.  BC
• Somebody choke me till I pass out.  BC

08/24/2002

• I thought I had the West Nile Virus, but I was just hung over. JW

07/08/2002 - Daytona Pepsi 400

• Alan, you are such a maroon. LH

• This lane sucks dick! LH

• Man, my tongue hurts. AH

06/26/2002 - Satches in Chicago

• Please tell me you're not talking in code. JW

05/28/2002 - Indianapolis 500

• Man, I love a good beer buzz in the morning! AH

05/28/2002 - JW & CW Memorial Day Party

• I can't believe one of our friends has an addiction, we should intervene? CW

• What's your handicap?  My husband. CW

05/05/2002 - New Orleans

• Elvis!!!!.....I want to do Elvis! SG

• Everthing always falls together, it's a Satch Trip!!! RS

• We can do no wrong in this city! SG

• The mini-bar wasn't Satch-proofed! RS

05/05/2002 - Jamacia

• You left your wingmon, mon! BC

• Satch, I saved some cold water for you. BC

• Everything's fun in Jamaica....as long as you have rum. RS

04/06/2002 - Tahoe

• My boys are roamin' around like free range chickens. JW

• I love a cold ding-dong in the morning. RN

• Talk to the Hand, The Hand apologizes. JW

• Arnie's have been known to save lives. JL

• God I drink too much. JW

• Honey you are to drunk too be interesting. LH

• I am not sausage woman. Anonymous

• Pick of the litter MY ASS. JW

• Good use of Big Word. JW

• Unleash the Hounds. RN

• So much for the sensitive shit. JW

• You got to get up early in the morning to get a glass of wine around here. RS

• Can you hold my balls please, ma'am? AH

• Unless you got a bunch of shit, you got nothing. JW

02/23/2002

• Oops I crapped my pants.... again. RS

• How many people can I tell. CW

02/19/2002

• If you're drunk, you're not hung over. BC

• I'm a plethora of crapola. JW

• My stash is in my Al-Anon material. CW

02/08/2002

• If it wasn't for words, I'd have a personality. JW

• Are these cushions charcoal lined? JW

• Did you just cough up a lung biscuit? JW

• It takes grapes to hang. JW

• I've been married for twenty years and I'm still a lousy lay. WM

• Do I have any bats in the cave.? JW

• If your doing Viagra and you cut your finger, you don't bleed. BC

• I remember when the designated driver was the one not puking. WM

• What, you don't speak fart! BC

• You can wash it, buy it or just stink. JW

01/02/2002

• Open the Jack and let it breath.

• You dicked me with that Jack you Fuck!

• Ducks on the pond... BANG, BANG, BANG.

• You got game.

• That's one tasty beverage.

• More Vino pour favor.

• I am the great Cornholio, I need TP for my bung hole.

• Get it yourself Buttmunch.

• The window of humor is now open but it's temporary.

• That helmet makes you look like a moron, can I borrow your helmet?

• Eight Skate and Donate.

• Fever in a hot seat, Run Kitty Run.

• OOPS, I Crapped my pants.

New Satch Card Games:

12/19/2002 

• Fat Bastard Blackjack: instead of 21, 17 is the magic number. Dealer must hit 10.

04/06/2002

• Six Card Mutton Head.  Similar to 5 card draw but with 6 cards.

12/10/2001

• $5 Nygaard - the game where the dealer cannot fuck up.
• Hi/Lo Hack - 3's & 9's wild, 6 gets you an extra card, 4's a killer and hi or lo chicky chicky.